I guess you could say I failed at grown-up blogging, and that failure certainly stings. With a new job, a wedding to plan, and the adjustment to not living alone, finding time to post became quite the challenge. The nerves I felt waiting for that first comment caused me to be increasingly perfectionistic about what I wrote, and the more polished the posts, the greater the fear that the comments would roll in, and that I’d be exposed as being not particularly original and not particularly good with words (and certainly not with using them economically).
One of my co-bloggers wrote me early on that after a while, the anxiety of posting would diminish; it didn’t… or at least hadn’t by the time I took my accidental hiatus. First I just hadn’t posted for a week, then two, then I wrote a post out long-hand and never typed it up, and after a little while, I just took post-writing off my daily “to-do list.”
So here I am, back to the place I can write without readers, back to the place I don’t feel the need to apologize for long absences. I hope to go back to “real” blogging (the kind that requires risk) at some point – and hopefully in the not-too-distant future – but for now, I feel like it’s just important for me to get some of my ideas out whatever the forum.
Simultaneous to the real-world changes I’ve gone through over the last six months are changes of heart and mind, and things I’ve tried to work through without over-analyzing or over-intellectualizing. That’s not an easy mission for me. I’ve always had a tendency to turn a subjective feeling into a theory. For months, I’ve worked against that tendency. Not only have I not written any posts, I’ve scarcely read blogs, and I’ve kept my news consumption to a minimum. My experiment failed. I may have re-channeled my theories into more personal outlets (marriage, family, religion, education…) but they’re still theories – theories that I know full well have nothing more than that same subjective feeling as their foundation.
When I can (and frankly, when I feel like it), I plan to post some of these thoughts. I’ve been reading quite a bit about homeschooling recently, and feel like I’ve written a dozen posts on the subject in my head. Maybe at some point, I’ll put them in writing. And I’ve started visiting a church that I’d like to write about. As always, I’ve thought a lot about place; not only abstractly (which is so un-place-like in itself), but also the ways in which where we decide to live as a family will impact the pace of our lives.
Many of these the things I’ve decided have contradicted parts of my politics, and I suppose that’s okay. I’d rather my personal beliefs shape my political beliefs than the other way around. It’s something I’d like to explore, even if it is in this risk-free blogging environment.